«The only reason you would rationalize something is if you know that without rationalizing it it’s not good. You have to make all types of excuses. You know so it’s like being on a diet but knowing if you have that ice cream it’s not good and like ‹well, you know I’ve been good lately›. You’re rationalizing what you’re about to do you know you’re not supposed to have it. Um and it’s the same thing we have adults who get to act like children and they expect the kids to respond like adults.
Adam Coleman in The Children We Left Behind – Interview with Adam Coleman
Keri Smith did an interesting interview with Adam Coleman on absent fathers, raising children the right way, and lots of other interesting issues. I can’t say anything about the book, but the interview is worth watching (or listening to).
For example:
«When you were a child were you cognizant of the impact like the absence of your father was having or is that something that you developed later? Being aware that like there’s something missing here.»
«I would say that there were key moments where my father’s absence was noticeable. So like being in the hospital, only seeing my mother and my sister come and visit me, that was noticeable. Being in Boy Scouts and all the fathers are there with their sons. My father’s not there. I’m the only one who doesn’t. That’s noticeable. Being in Little League, all the families in the stands, either the fathers are coaching or in the stands watching their sons. My father’s never there. And sometimes my mom would be there, but sometimes she wasn’t because she was working a lot and had to take care of two kids. So, you know, those were definitely moments that I noticed as a kid. As I became an adult, especially going through therapy and things like that, I realized the sense of fear of rejection, how it made me desperate, how it affected my relationships, accepting people who were very flawed but just gave me attention. So I just, you know, clinged on to them, you know, not having a whole lot of standards because of it as well. So these things affected my life in various ways, especially having low self-esteem because when I would mess up as a kid, I didn’t have a man to say like, it’s okay, you know, it’s normal. Whereas like for my son, when he had his, you know, first little girlfriend and she broke up with him, you know, I was able to go and talk to him and say, it’s okay. This is normal. I didn’t have that. So I thought something was wrong with me. That’s what a lot of kids do. They think something’s wrong with them. And especially when mistakes happen over and over, which kids make mistakes, they think that something is wrong with them. There’s no, especially for a young man, there’s no adult figure, adult male figure saying, this is perfectly normal and there’s nothing wrong with you and let me talk about the areas where you’re exceptional or or even having a male role model close to them to emulate. Just in everyday day-to-day kind of life learning what it means to be a man.»
«Yeah, having that absence … how did um becoming a father change you?»
«Um in many ways it saved my life. My son gave me a purpose that I didn’t know I needed at the time. It became not about me, but about him. So if I made certain risks, it was because I was wanting it to be an opportunity so I could make more money so I could take care of my son or something of that nature. I would say that I matured faster because of it. You know, I had my son at 21, which is not incredibly young, but it’s not that old. And especially for me, I was still trying to figure out how to be a man, which, you know, I tell people all the time, I didn’t become a man until I was about 33.»
«Wow. What do you mean by that?»
«Where I felt like I started having things together, where my confidence was there, or coming together, where I felt secure. I guess that’s the best way of putting it, where I started feeling secure about myself as a man. But until then, I was very much so insecure. But my son, my son means a lot. He means a lot to me. He gave me a reason to live even more so especially you know battling suicidal ideation and wondering if if I can actually do this you know but I knew that I wanted to not be my father that was I was like the the first thought I had when he was born I can’t be my father so everything I did was to be involved in his life and I tried to be the father that I thought I would have wanted when I was a kid. So my relationship with him has been about honesty and communication. We just, I talked to him. So if he messed up, I talked to him. I might yell at him depending on what’s going on, but I primarily would talk to him and tell him I expect more from him.»
«Right.»
«And I would give him, give him grace, you know, and talk to him some more. If I had to yell at him, I would explain why I’m yelling at him. I didn’t just, and I tried not to take out my frustration out on him. And I’m not perfect. I’ve done that. But I would always go back and apologize to him and say that I shouldn’t have done that. Right. So I always treated him with respect. And in return, he’s always respected me.
Keri Smith and Adam Coleman in The Children We Left Behind – Interview with Adam Coleman
Highly recommended.